SQUIDWARD: Wow!
Squidward, this is the best soufflé you have ever created!
( smacks loudly )
Oh! Congratulations, Chef.
( water running )
( faucet squeaks )
( brushing )
( gargling, then spits )
( someone giggles )
( chair creaks )
( two voices giggling )
( whispering )
SPONGEBOB'S BUBBLE: Hi, Patrick.
( laughs )
( inhales deeply )
( whispering huskily )
PATRICK'S BUBBLE: Hi, SpongeBob.
( laughs )
( grumbles )
( SpongeBob laughing )
Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.
( mumbling gibberish )
SQUIDWARD: Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot
it has ever been my misfortune to know.
( mumbling gibberish )
PATRICK: Do you really think that, SpongeBob?
Of course, Patrick.
Anyone with eyes could see that.
( bubble pops )
PATRICK: Yeah, well, I think you're ugly!
Yellow is ugly!
( blows a raspberry )
Patrick, what are you talking about?
SQUIDWARD: SpongeBob,
I no longer wish to know you...
( gasping )
You give bottom dwellers a bad name.
( Squidward mumbling )
SQUIDWARD: If I had a dollar
for every brain you don't have
I'd have one dollar.
( laughing to himself )
SQUIDWARD: Hey, Patrick,
I heard there was a job opening
down at the pet shop...
as some newspaper!
That makes you a big dummy, you dummy!
Yeah, well, that means that, uh... so are you!
Right, you're a turkey!
SPONGEBOB: What's that?
PATRICK: It's what you are!
Well, you're a bigger one.
Well, you're still yellow.
You know what else is yellow?
What?!
You are!
Yeah? Well, it doesn't matter what you call me
because I never want to see you again anyway!
( chomping loudly )
( door squeaks open )
Aw, tartar sauce!
( slams )
( grunts )
( crash )
( laughing )
( gagging and gulping )
( fork springing )
( whistle sliding upward )
( bell rings )
Whoa, Squidward, you're choking!
Oh... I know what to do
but I should wash my hands first.
Oh, well.
( inhaling deeply )
( exhaling )
( suckers popping )
( sputtering )
( spits )
I win!
Wow! Patrick!
You saved me.
I did?
Yep.
You're a real lifesaver, friend.
Friend?
Friend!
Ee... yeah, Patrick,
we're friends.
Just friends.
So, what are we going to do tonight,
best friend?
Well, I was going to practice
my clarinet solo.
Clarinet?
I love music!
Aw, who needs them?
They're no fun anyway, right, Gary?
Gary?
( hollow knocks )
SQUIDWARD: Squidward will be performing his version
of "Solitude in E Minor."
Yeah!
E minor, all right, yeah!
( inhaling )
( begins playing )
( snoring )
Aw, what am I worried about?
I got plenty of friends.
l can name three right off the bat.
Uh...
The gang's all here.
Oh!
( grunting and grumbling )
( something snaps )
Oh, oh, my back!
I threw out my back.
Oh, boy!
Now's my chance.
SpongeBob? No, no, stay back!
Don't worry, Squidward, l'm coming!
No, no, no, get away from me!
Hang on, I'll save you!
SQUIDWARD: No, no, no, get away from me! No, no!
Hold on!
No! No! Get away!
( yelling )
( crack )
Ow, I'm ruined!
I... I... I...
I feel great.
Thanks, SpongeBob.
You're a real friend.
( trancelike ): Friend...
No, no, no, no! I didn't mean that. No, no.
Don't worry, Squiddy old pal.
That's what friends are for.
SPONGEBOB: So dumb Patrick fell asleep on you, huh?
Some friend!
A real friend would perform for you.
You play?
Are you kidding?
l've been playing bassinet for years.
Give me an A, buddy.
( plays a note )
♪ Squidward is my best friend in the world... ♪
( strings grating raucously )
♪ Squidward is my best friend in the sea ♪
( Squidward yells )
( grumbles )
♪ Squidward... ♪
♪ Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob ♪
♪ Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend, Squidward! ♪
Um, I can fix this.
( growling and grumbling )
( Shout, thud )
So, uh, I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward.
Call me.
SQUIDWARD: Ugh! That was disgusting!
Feel like I need to scrub myself.
( screaming )
Hey, buddy, I warmed it up for you.
Patrick, get out!
And put some clothes on.
What's the matter, Squidward old buddy?
( gasps )
Oh, ho!
So this is what I find, huh?!
My best friend and my ex-best friend and...
rubber bath toys!
( both arguing at once )
( yells )
This can't be happening to me!
( door opens and closes )
SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK: Squidward!
SPONGEBOB: Buddy!
PATRICK: Squidward, where are you?
SQUIDWARD: Oh, this is nuts!
l need a plan to get those two back together
and out of my hair.
( doorbell rings )
( sniffs )
Squidward!
A dinner party?
I'd love to!
( knocking at door )
Did you miss me?
Come on in.
You look stunning.
I'd much rather dine with you
than that lousy...
Say, what gives?!
I'm not sitting near that maniac!
Me, neither!
This was a setup.
l thought you two were my best friends.
I am your best friend. l am your best friend.
Well, how about some soda, guys?
Yes, please.
Thanks, friend.
How about some for your best friend?
SPONGEBOB: Thanks...
best friend.
( gulping )
Can I have some now, buddy?
Wait! I need some more.
I still didn't get any.
There you go.
More, please.
( gulping )
Squidward!
Hey, Squidward!
Squidward!
Hey, Squidward!
SQUIDWARD: Patrick, your glass is full.
Oh, yeah.
Squidward! Hey, Squidward!
Hey, Squidward!
Squidward!
Hey, Squidward!
Squidward! Squidward!
Sorry, boys, I'm all out of pop.
I'm going to go get some more.
Why don't you just stay here and chat?
( whistling casually )
( hiccups )
( belches loudly )
( laughing )
( both laughing uproariously )
( creaking )
( laughter continuing )
( deep groan )
( crash )
I should just walk away right now.
What a surprise...
I invited them in and I left them alone.
Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?
Guess what, Squidward?
Me and SpongeBob are friends again.
Great. Go be friends somewhere else.
Don't you want us to help you clean this up a little?
No! Out!
Psst! I think he's jealous.
How pathetic.
( slams )
Ow... my back.